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[evil] read and I went, I wept _ and I went 2010-12-31
HREF = " ;:/ / photo.blog.sina . CN / showpic # blogid = ni7v and I went to Shi Tiesheng 1 ,Adidas Wings,I in several novels are mentioned in an abandoned ancient garden ,weight loss drug list 2011is the actualDitan .
Many years ago, the tourism industry has not spread out, what drug reducing weight having effect most garden wilderness depression as a wilderness, the capsule reducing weight has rarely been remembered .
Beijing is close to my home .My home is very close to that altar .In short ,but that it is fate .I was born before the altar in 400 yearsis located there, and since my grandmother young with my father came to Beijing ,have lived not far away from it for more than fifty years where mm moved a few times ,move to move to always around it, and is the move it closer .
I often feel this center has a fatalistic flavor: as if the ancient garden is to me, and have experienced years of wind and frost there waiting more than four hundred years .It waiting for my birth ,then waited until I most arrogant age crippled legs.
Four hundred years, it erodes Gu Dian eaves exaggerated glazed ,fade out the door wall boasts of vermilion ,crumble and a section of the wall is strewn with pure bars, the sides of the altar of the old Cypress sees more pale and ,everywhere weed barren rattan are exuberant comfortably magnanimous.
Time I must is supposed to come .One afternoon fifteen years ago ,I wheeled into the garden ,it turns out a terrified people get everything ready .At that time ,the sun in everlasting road is more and more big ,the more red .
In the garden the overflowing silent light, one much more convenient for you to see the time, and see his shadow. Since that afternoon I came into the garden ,no long separated from it .
I know it .As I said in one story : " ;in a densely populated city ,there is such a quiet place ,like God painstakingly arranged ." ;two legs crippled after the first few years ,I couldn ,find the way ,suddenly almost nothing can not find, I wheeled always find it there, just as there is to avoid a world of another world .
I in the novel he wrote: " ;no place to go I will always consumption in this garden .With the work ,others go to work I wheeled here garden unguarded ,High class time some shortcut people across the garden ,the garden is a lively ,after the silence .
" ;" ;wall in golden air under a shady miter ,I put a wheelchair drive in ,put back down ,sitting or lying ,read a book or something, break a branch branches .Pat ,drive away and I don why want to come to this world bug Zhi .
" ;" ;a bee as a small fog firmly stopped in mid-air ;ant shake the head and wag stroked his tentacles ,suddenly think through what ,turned the spanking and go ;ladybugs climb tired ,tired of prayer back then the supports on the wings ,Huyou aloft ;trunk was left on a cicada slough ,alone as a vacant room ;dew on the grass turns, collection ,bent grass came down and opened 10000 golden.
" ;" ;all over the garden are the vegetation develop eagerly make sound ,rustling away while continuously. " ;this is the true record ,garden waste but not decline. Remove halls I didn go in, removed the altar I cannot go to check it from every angle ,Ditan every tree that I go, not much difference near it each meter grass had my car Round of India .
No matter what time ,what time ,what the weather ,I stayed in this garden .There are moments he stayed home ,have time to stay on the floor are flashing moon .Remember it all is in which corner ,I want to stay focused for hours about death thing ,also in the same patient and method thought of why I came .
Think so for several years ,finally work finally understand :a man ,was born, this is no longer a debate about the title ,but the God give his a fact ;God gave us this fact it has come ,guarantee its results, so death is a need not be anxious for success things ,death is an inevitable fall festival.
This thought after I feel at ease and more ,all eyes are no longer so afraid. If you stay up late to prepare early test when, suddenly thought of a long holiday in waiting in front of you ,you will feel a bit more relaxed? And glorious and appreciate this arrangement ?Left is to live problem, it is not at a certain moment can think through ,not one to be able to solve it ,Jeremy Scott Adidas,if it is to live how long to want It long, as with all your demons or lover.
So ,for fifteen years ,I have always made the ancient garden to ,go to it under the tree or grass edge or decadent wall, to sit ,to stay ,to open the ear Bacchic trimmed confusion of ideas, to look at own heart.
In fifteen years, the ancient garden form is less than her inability to understand its people to cultivate, thanks to some equipment is who also cannot change it .For example the altar in Shimen sunset ,quiet bright flat moment ,on each winding are reflecting very cruel in the garden ;for example the most lonely time ,a swift came out to sing ,the world is calling to desolation ;for example the winter snow children ,always let a person guess who they are ,where had done what ,then where are the ;such as those pale black Cooper, you depressed when they calmly stood there ,you delighted when they still calmly stood there day and night ,they stood there ,from you weren standing to this world and not your time ;such as rainstorm suddenly Pro Park ,aroused waves of burning and pure grass and soil smell ,make people Think of numerous summer matters ;for example Jin Feng pumping Fung suddenly to ,have an early frost ,deciduous or waving dance or Enron repose ,garden in disseminated with apt and slightly bitter taste .
Taste is not clear, it can only to be personally on the scene to smell the smell ,you can taste and is clear. Hard to remember ,only you and your ability to smell it remember it all emotion and meaning.
So I often go to the garden .2,now I think ,when I was all alone Ditan ,gave mother a how hard. She is not the kind of love son do not know how to understand the son She knows my sorrow, know that should not stop me to go out ,know that if I stay at home results will be worse ,but she worried about me alone in the desolate park all day thinking anything.
I was bad to the vertex grid ,often hair crazy like to leave home ,from the garden back in the eyes of what is not said .Her mother know that some things should not be asked ,is hesitant to ask and finally to ask, because she knew no answer .
She knew I wouldn her to go with me ,so she Never ever ask her to know ,give me a little time ,there should be such a process. She just doesn this process to be long, and this process is what end after all .
Every time I want to go out, she had no answer to help me ,help me on a wheelchair ,watch me crank crank out yard ;the future what she would do ,when I had not thought of .Once I shake the car out of the yard ,think of anything but came back ,saw the mother still standing in situ ,or send me walking posture ,look at me turn off the small courtyard to the other side corner ,on my back was no response.
When she once again sent me out, she said :" ;activities out, go to have a look book altar ,I say this is very good ." ;many years later I was gradually recognized ,the mother that is actually self-comfort ,is secretly prayers ,is for I hint ,request and orders.
Only after her sudden death, I have leisure time ,I was not home when those long time ,how she hesitate sitting to Ning ,concurrently with the pain and horror and a mother minimum pray .
Now I can conclude that ,to her the wisdom and perseverance ,in those empty day after In the night ,sleepless night & day ,she thought the last must be said to myself :" ;I can let him go out, the future of his own ,if he really wants in the garden what happened ,this ordeal was I to take " ;during that period .
Days mm is that several older days ,I think I must make mother had prepared for the worst ,but she never said to me :" ;" ;I think of you .In fact I have never really thought about her .
When her son was too young ,but also no time to think of the mother ,he was down on the fate ,thought himself to be the world ,do not know the unfortunate son of the mother is always there to double.
She has a long to twenty years suddenly paraplegia a son ,this is her only son ;she was willing to paraplegia his son is not ,but this is not to replace ;she wanted to ,as long as the son can survive even if I go die also goes, but she was convinced that a person can not merely is living son ,a road to happiness ;but this road ,no one can guarantee that her son finally find the.
Mm such a mother ,are destined to live in the most bitter Mother .Once with a writer associates to chat ,I asked him to learn writing original intention is what ?He thought for a moment and said :" ;for my mother .
In order to make her proud. " ;I was startled ,long words .I originally wrote the novel motivation ,although not like this friend it innocence ,but as he desires I have ,and upon reflection, invented this desire in all thought accounted for a large proportion.
The friend said :" ;my motivation is too vulgar ?" ;I just shook his head ,but not necessarily thought vulgar vulgar ,but is this desire is too innocent .He said :" ;I was really just wants to be famous ,the name let others loved my mother .
" ;I think ,he is I confess .I think ,he is happier than me ,because his mother was still alive .But I think ,his mother than my mother of good luck ,his mother was not a legs crippled son ,or the work is not so simple.
In my first novel appeared when, in my novel won the award for the first time in those days, I really wish that my mother is still alive. I can stay at home ,but also day alone to Ditan ,heart is endless gloomy And sorrow ,traveled all the garden but how also not :mother why can live for two years ?Why her son nearly collision on a road, but she suddenly bear ?Does she come to this world just for his son to worry ,but should not share my little happy ?She hurried away from me when was only forty-nine years old !For a moment ,I and the world of God is full of hate and hate .
I later in an article entitled " " ;Acacia ;wrote :" ;I sat in the little park the quiet woods ,close my eyes ,think ,why God had called her back ?Long long ,Adidas Jeremy Scott Schuhe,die ambiguous paste I hear answer :l her heart is too hard on her ,God does not suffer ,called her back .
R I got a little comfort, open your eyes ,see the wind is from the woods through " ;small park ,.Mean also Ditan .Just then ,have news just in front of me illusory clearly ,mother hardships and great in my heart deep penetration .
God hammer ,perhaps on the wheelchair .In garden gradually ,it is the morning mist ,and sun hung day ,I want only one thing :mother Has not .In the old cypress next stop, on the grass in the crumbling wall to stop ,it is everywhere in that afternoon ,and the birds nest in the evening ,I only say one sentence: I didn .
Put back down ,lie down ,Sishuifeishui until sunset ,sat up ,stared down to his mind fuzzy ,ancient altar covered with dark and then gradually floating moonlight ,the heart is clear ,the mother cannot come in the garden for me .
There have been many times in this garden ,I stayed too long ,her mother came to see me .Come to me and don let me find ,as long as I see well in this garden ,she quietly turned back .
I saw several times after her .I have seen several times around her wait-and-see situation ,her bad eyesight ,glasses like looking for the sea is a ship, she didn when I saw her, I saw she see me I will not go to see her, later I saw her again .
She would go back. I alone is not able to know several back she didn me. Once I sit in the bushes, trees are Smith, I saw she didn find me ;she was alone in the garden walk ,walk beside me, pass me by Used to be some place ,action dazed and desperate.
I don she was looking for how long they find how long ,I don decided not to call her mm but this is not a small time catch ,this may be due to older boys stubborn or shyness? But this stubborn left me with remorse when ,no complacency .
I really want to warn all grown up boy ,do not tell mother this stubborn ,shyness is not necessary, I already know I come too .Son wants to make her mother is full, the mood is too real ,and even the famous " to " ;;this statement was motive has shifted much a point image.
This is a complicated problem ,and put it away then .With novel award winning daily dim impulse ,I start to believe ,at least one point I was wrong :my pen and paper in the press collision opened a road, is not the mother wishes me to find the road.
Years time month I to this garden ,Adidas Porsche Design Bounce,years in the month I want ,mother hope I find that way after all . What mother didn any meaningful words ,or should I stick to teach, but in her after his death, she hard Fate ,strong will and do not disclose the love ,over time ,in my impression more distinctively deep.
One year, the wind of October turning over the fallen leaves in the garden ,I read ,heard two walk old man says :" ;was " .;I put out who she is .I forward as the girl saved ,will see the distant quickly ride to a boy ,so that several sport teen guy be always on tenterhooks .
Guy on the bike a girl in the nearby, cross head looked that several different directions guy ,silent panting. Look like before the storm the sky for a while than a pale. I recognized them ,boys and girls was the little brother and sister.
I was almost in my mind screamed ,or wail .Things often make God become suspicious .The boy went to his mm .Girls release his hand ,the train then falling down ,many of her pick small lanterns will follow a ,dispersion at her feet.
She still calculates pretty eyes ,but lag no glory .She staring blankly at the group scattered guy ,looking at the distance where the empty, with her intelligence ,Eph into energy The world wants to know ?Under the big tree ,rupture of the sunshine tiny spots ,Her mantle so green Sinead O 'Connor,the wind blowing over the tiny lanterns transition ,as dull sound with countless small block.
Brother sister on a bicycle seat ,with her silent home .Nothing is right. If God gave a beautiful and stupid these two things for the little girl ,only silence and go home is on .
Who can give the world to see ?There many things was not said .You can complain that God wants to drop so much agony to the world, you are able to get rid of all kinds suffering and struggle ,and to enjoy the noble and proud ,but if you think you would fall into deep confused :world without suffering ,the world still can exist ?If not dumb ,clever what glorious ?If not pretty ugly ,how to maintain their own luck ?If not mean and humble ,kind and noble and to define how they themselves become a virtue ?If no disability ,because of the sound will be accustomed to become tired and boring ?I often dream in the world completely get rid of disability ,but can believe ,then will be sick Substitute for the disabled to carry the same suffering .
If can disease all destroyed, then the suffering will be ( for example ) ugly people to shoulder .If we even ugly ,even stupid and mean and everything we do not like things and actions ,also can be all wiped out ,all the the same people are healthy ,beautiful ,intelligent ,noble ,what the outcome will be ?If it is the world is coming to an end ,a lost almost the rest of the world will be a stagnant water ,is a piece of felt no fertility of Gobi.
It permanently is to some differences .It had received mm human suffering the play needs it ,the presence of himself require it. God again .So there is one of the most disappointing conclusion here :who is to act as the role of those suffering ?And who to show the world happiness ,proud and happy to let ?Sometimes ,there is no significance .
Speak .You fate ,Hugh .Then ,all the unfortunate fate of salvation in where ?If clever awareness can lead us to find the road to redemption ,and all the people can obtain so smart and savvy ?I always thought is Ugly training beauty .
I used to think that is fool give wise. I used to think that is a coward lining as a hero. I used to think that is all the degree of Buddha .Six if there is a garden of God ,he must have noticed ,for so many years I sat in the garden ,sometimes it is relaxed and happy the ,sometimes gloomy dejected ,sometimes living a life of ease and leisure ,sometimes Qihuang lonely, sometimes calm and self-confidence, and sometimes fragile ,and confusion.
In fact, there were only three issues alternating with to harass me ,to accompany me. The first is going to die? Second why live ?Third ,why should I write? Now let me have a look ,they are so far are how to weave together .
You said ,you see the dead is a without having to try to do ,is a no matter how delay doesn ,they decide to live it ?Yes ,at least it is very key identity .Why to live it ?Seems to be merely because not reconciled ,the opportunity is rare, l not white do not try, leg it is finished ,everything seemed to end ,but death is take credit ,try not to additional what loss.
Maybe have the additional benefit of this is it right? ?I said ,Then I much more relaxed ,more freedom .Why writing ?The writer is the two to be their word ,everyone knows this .In order to let that hide in the depths of the garden a wheelchair-bound person some day in the future ,in the eyes of others is also a little glory ,in the world also can have a position ,even when to die is much sense ,beginning just think ,this need not confidential ,these now not confidential .
I took the book and pen ,to the park to find a most people do not disturb corner ,secretly writes that love to sing .The guy in the not far place to have sing .If someone came up ,I put the book on the pen in his mouth .
I afraid of not writing into an end up embarrassing .I would have to face. But you write ,and enunciated .People say I write also not bad ,they even said :don write so good .My heart that you did not expect to do more.
I do have all night to awake .I wanna let the singing man know ,because his song is sings well. I told my friend when the runner ,the middle-aged female engineers are gracefully in the through the park ;runner is impulsive, he said yes ,I Death run ,you hard to write .
Because you in magic, all day thinking of what can be written ,which can let you into a novel. It was magic, where I go where the huge crowds of people think ,only to find novel ,if there is a novel reagent is good ,see just two drops of his is it right? Is a novel, if there is a novel developer it, thrown it over the world have a look is where there is a novel ,the devil ,I was happy to writing alive.
You also announced several papers, and a bit of a good name ,when you are becoming more and more feel panic .I suddenly feel that they live as a hostage ,just like people but over the head ,like a hostage ,was a trick catch as hostages were executed ,someday ,someday will collapse .
You worry or how long you will Evans exhausted ,so you also finished. What I always write a novel ?What those suitable for novel living material is always sent to a paraplegic come ?People around the world have the danger of exhaustion ,and I was sitting in the garden with what can one by one to write ?You think of death .
I want to see good will receive it .When One of the hostages is actually too tired too important ,so hang by a thread .I writing in order to survive ,if it is not my writing should do ,I think I live is too stupid ?You think so you still rack one to write again .
I managed to wring out water soon ,from a dry towel .Panic with increasing intensity ,may fall feel than collapse itself fear more, not afraid of thieves to steal afraid of thieves about ,I think people as good as dead ,not a good birth ,as did not of this world good .
But you did not go to die .I and thought of that is an unnecessary worry .But don it is not proved to be a persistent thing ?You always decided to live ,which explain what? Yes ,I still want to live .
What wages live ?Because people want to live, in the final analysis is that such returns to a thing ,real name called :wish. But I am not afraid of death ,sometimes I really do not fear death .
Sometimes ,says mm on .Don and want to die are two different things ,sometimes daredevil is there, life down daredevil is not .Sometimes I was afraid to live .But if living is don !Can I What do want to live ?Because you want to get something ,you think you can get something ,such as love ,for example ,value and so on, real name is desire.
This wrong ?I don anything? Didn that .But why I live panic ,like a hostage? Then you understand ,you know you are wrong ,not live in order to writing ,and writing to live .You understand this point is at a very interesting time .
The day you said you as good as dead ,one of your friends advise you :you can ,you have to write it, there are a lot of good works are waiting for you to write. You suddenly realized ,Jeremy Scott Adidas not the bottom line inclusion,you said: because I live ,I have to write.
Or just because you want to live, you have to write. Yes ,said that after I actually don panic .As you see after the death of income that easy ?A hostage in retaliation for a trick is the most effective way to kill myself .
I know I have to kill me in the market ,so that I don to panic buying theme fashion .You writing ?You really had to write .Write ?People are tempted to look for some strong for a living Why don depletion .
Will you ?I don ,but I want to live ,the problem is can not be finished before death .Under this well ,you will no longer fear lie is not a hostage ,you free .Come on you ,how can I be free ?Don really the name is :wish.
So you must know ,eliminate panic is the most effective way to eliminate the desire. But I also know to destroy humanity ,Guodian Ningxia Solar Limited reactor system and transformation system for 2008-12...,the most effective way is to eliminate the desire .Then ,is to eliminate the desire but also eliminate panic ?Or desire while also preserving life ?I sit in this garden God told me ,I hear the garden ,each have actor he is a hostage .
Every understanding viewing audience wonderful rupture destroys a ruse .Every boring actor because of his old thought this drama has nothing to do with their own .Every adverse audience are because he always sit too close to the stage .
I sit in this garden ,garden of God for months and years to me said: children ,this is nothing ,this is your sin and Fu pulls. Seven if there are some things I did not say ,Ditan ,you do not think that I forget ,I did nothing forget ,http://adidasjeremyscottde.com/,but some things just right can not be said ,can collection .
Do not want to ,but don .They won speak, they cannot be turned into a talking, once lead to speak is not them .They were a dim warmth and lonely ,a kind of hope and despair ,their territory only two :heart and tomb .
For instance stamps ,some for the letter ,some just for collection .Now I shook the car in this garden walk slowly ,often have a kind of feeling ,I think a man ran out have been playing too long .
M day I straighten my old album, a dozen years ago I in this garden photo photo mm the young man in a wheelchair ,one behind the old cypress tree ,not far away was the ancient altar .I went into the garden to find the tree.
I according to the pictures on the background to find soon found it ,according to photograph it stems form to find ,identify it .But it has died, and in its body around a Wankou crude Wisteria.
One day I was in the garden ran into an old lady ,she said :" ;Oh ,are you still here ?" ;she asked me :" ;your mother doing? " ;" ;you who is ?" ;" ;you do not remember me ,but I remember you .
Once your mother to come here for You ,she asked me you didn a rocking chair for children? Hh" ;I suddenly felt, I a person to this world is really play too long .One day night ,I sit alone in the altar under the lights suddenly read a book ,from the dark altar inside the M suona sound waves ;is surrounded by towering old trees ,covers an area of several hundred square metre square altar open open only to heaven ,I couldn play the suona ,the only sound in a night sky starlight suona whispered in the singing ,sometimes pathos and cheerful ,surface preparation and desolate, perhaps the words are not enough to describe it ,do I wake up to hear it ring in the past, ring in the ring now ,in the future, cyclotron wave turn eternity does not come loose.
There will be a day ,I will hear me back. Then you can imagine m a child, he was tired but he didn My heart better chic motive even wait to tomorrow. Can also imagine is an old man ,no doubt to his sleeping ,go bear hardship without complaint .
Can also imagine a pair of lovers lovers ,each other again and again that " ;I don leave you ," ;and each other again and again that " ;time " ;time is not late ,I a moment Don ,never want to leave you but time is not long .
I say well I want to go back .I can want or not ,it does not matter .I can I like the child ,like the elderly ,or like a love in many lovers .Is this: I was the three of them. When I come I was a child ,he has so many childish motivations so it cries out crying to come, he may see the world immediately became crazy lover ,but for a lover ,no matter how the long time is anything that vanishes in a flash ,then he will understand every step ,every step is a step by step ,it is to go in the back on the road .
When the morning glory at the beginning of season ,funeral horn is sounded. But the sun all the time ,it is the setting sun is rising .When it is burning down to collect all bleak the occasion, it is on the other side of the burning out to climb the mountain top strong Chaohui when.
That day ,I will still go down there ,on my crutches .One day ,in a valley ,will run up a V children ,holding his toys .Of course ,it But ,it me The universe with its ?Restless desire will be a song and dance exercise for forever.
It is how a human name ,big negligible .One nine nine years IdeoBook ,according to Shi Tiesheng ( Chinese modern writers Anthology Series ,people Literature Publishing House ,1997)a Book recension .
now I just think of ,I used to go alone Ditan ,gave mother a how hard .She is not the kind of love her son but hardly understand mother .She knows my heart in the depressed, know that should not stop me to go out ,know that if I stay at home results will be worse ,but she worried that I was alone in the desolate park all day thinking anything.
I that bad when the lattice to the apex, often be crazy to leave the house, from the garden back in the eyes of what is not said .Her mother know that some things should not be asked ,they still hesitate to ask Yu and ultimately to ask, because she knew no answer .
She knew I wouldn her limit me ,she never asked ,she knows to give me a little time ,there should be such a process. She just doesn this process to be long, and it After all, what is the end of the process .
Every time I want to go out, she had no answer to help me, help me on the wheel chair vehicle ,looked at me and shakes the car turn off the yard ;the future how she would ,I had not thought of .
Once I shake the car out of the yard ;think of it what it came back ,saw the mother still standing, still send me walking posture ,looking at me turn off the small courtyard to the other side of the corner ,on my back was no response.
When she once again sent me out, she said :" ;out to activity ,go to have a look book Ditan ,I say this is very good ." ;many years later I was gradually recognized ,the mother that is actually self-comfort ,is secretly prayers ,give me tips ,is the request and ordered .
Only after her sudden death, I have leisure time imaginary .I was not home when those long time ,how she hesitate sitting to Ning ,concurrently with the pain and horror and a mother minimum pray .
Now I can conclude, with her wisdom and perseverance ,in those empty day after night ,in the sleepless night after her last day ,there must be said to myself :" anyway, I can ;Out ,the future of his own ,if he really wants in the garden what happened ,this ordeal had I come to bear.
" ;in those days mm is that several older days ,I think I must make mother made the worst preparation, but she never told me that you think of me :" ;" ;.In fact I have never really thought about her .
When her son ,too young ,too late to think of the mother ,he was down on the fate ,thought himself to be the world ,don the unfortunate son of the mother is always there to double. She has a long to twenty years suddenly paraplegia a son ,this is her only son ;she was willing to paraplegia is instead of their own son ,this thing can replace ;she wanted to ,as long as the son to live even if I die it is also OK ,but she was convinced that a person can not merely is living son ,a road to happiness ;but this road ,no one can guarantee that her son can find .
Mm such a mother ,note is determined to live in the most bitter mother .Once with a writer associates to chat ,I asked him to learn writing the initial motivation? He thought for a moment and said :" ;for my mother .
In order to make her proud. " ;I was startled ,long words .I originally wrote novels and novelettes ,although not like the friend like pure, but as he desires I have ,and the invention of reflection ,this desire also in all motives accounted for a great proportion.
The friend said :" ;my motivation is too vulgar ?" ;I just shook his head ,but not vulgar vulgar heart thought ,but is it too naive .He said :" ;I was really just wants to be famous ,a name that people loved my mother .